I get really sad. Like what if that was true? It makes me sad to think of someone looking on, loving another from a distance but not being visible or vocal enough to do anything about it… 

I can only speak for myself: I feel like I dream of my mom and imagine her voice because I’m longing, not because she’s longing. I feel like I construct her and use her image and character to bolster and strengthen myself. I feel like death wouldn’t actually be so sad if the person wasn’t actually gone. Like, not just visually gone. 

don’t be eager to be grown 

have some fun 

you’ll look back when you turn 21

like “my time flies”

wishing you were here by my side

I can honestly say that I’ve changed for the better since the death of my mom. I’m stronger, I’m resilient. I appreciate everything more. I’m not sure if this is bad but, I’m hyper aware of my own mortality. I know I will die someday, and I’m preoccupied with how close it is sometimes. I wonder if it’s tomorrow, or a month from now, or decades from now. When I wake up in the morning I am always pleasantly surprised that I’m alive, that I’m in my room, in CT, on the planet earth.

Unfortunately I’ve become somewhat callous to people who know me well. But I think I’m up to a healthy standard of unfriendliness for normal people, or at lest New Englanders. I hate to describe my former self this way, but I was really a bleeding heart, and a chronically good samaritan. “Danielle is a pleasure to have in class. She is very intelligent and at times outspoken and passionate. She has some trouble concentrating and exhibits unusually high levels of empathetic concern for other students.” -elementary school progress report. Well, that person seems to be hiding in me somewhere. I feel strongly about others, but I just can’t seem to show it anymore. I can already feel that I’m having intimacy issues with everyone I should be close to (which is reasonable, given my past). But I just can’t seem to shake the iciness from myself. I’m hoping its just my current coping mechanism,  but I’m afraid I won’t be able to love anymore. I just don’t feel like a loving person any longer. I feel cold. I just think it’s kind of extreme considering how intensely appreciative of others I used to be. The upside to my weird new state is that I don’t get taken advantage of very often. I just don’t trust and I don’t get close enough anymore. 

i know we’ll meet again, so it’s never me against the world

I was getting ready to celebrate Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary. I didn’t know that 4 weeks later mom would be dead. I didn’t know that 8 months later Dad would have a girlfriend. I had no idea, and was completely ignorant of the fact that less than a year from that time, Dad would be engaged and fully committed to someone who was not my Mum. It scares me to think that this is truly the nature of life, unpredictable, no one can know it. This time last year I thought I new what pain was. Now I feel I really know, but I’ll probably soon discover that it can always get worse.

This time last year I was sad, but hopeful. I believed in deep, intimate love and forever. I can say that I still believe entirely. I realize now that much of what we perceive to be true is just a bunch of smoking mirrors, holograms even. All that needs to happen is for our illusions to be hanged and burned. As cliche as it sounds, “nothing is as it seems”. 

Nearly a year later I still feel lonely, that is partially my fault because I’ve isolated myself a great deal. But I can’t help that I’ve lost the person closest to me, and I’ll probably never experience her again. I still fear the future, I still fear success. I have some kind of weird Stockholm Syndrome in relation to my fears and anxiety, and I’ve basically grown accustomed to being mediocre. I want nothing more than to break free of my mediocrity. A year later I am 8 pounds thinner with very long hair extensions, I’m baptized, working, studying, and volunteering. With a somewhat heavy heart I’m driving the car we drove in together. I’m using the fancy perfume she gave me, still reading our little notes, and it still hurts. I don’t know if it will ever end. When does the grief end?

All I want is a greater sense of healing and normalcy. I want to feel alive again, I want to really taste my food, and really smell crisp fall air, I want to really hear, see and feel. I don’t want to associate this time of year with pain, and all that is negative. 

So my mom died exactly seven months ago, today. Over two weeks ago my dad told me and my sister that he’s been seeing someone, and he really likes her. I feel embarrassed because it’s a bit soon, but I know my Dad cannot stand to be alone. I just have so many conflicting emotions about it. Just tonight my Dad told me he loved her and they really want to get married soon. 

I just feel like idk who my Dad is anymore. I don’t want her in my house… Idk I just can’t get used to the idea. I’m so embarrassed, disgusted, angry, and weirded out.  I have had so many swirling thoughts and sleepless nights over this. I’m sick with worry all the time. I don’t want Dad to make a mistake.

I just can’t believe how quickly this is all happening. 

I’ll talk more on this later.

we still talk about her as if she’s still exists

we’ll probably just keep talking until we have nothing to say

or when it’s so far behind in the past that it’s irrelevant

I’m wondering if I should get bean boots for the snow. Or Hunter wellies for the rain. Or maybe some Nine West boots, or J. Crew boots?? Or Clark boots? I really don’t know what I want.

I need to get my shoes repaired for the viewing (I’m not going to look), the memorial, and the repass. 

Stuff like this really makes me upset because I really wish I had my mom to help me pick and choose. I really miss her.